currveygal

havnt said anything preparing for my trip to my hometown of Memphis. But I got up this morning at the hotel we stopped at 2am cause we are pu**ys apparently about driving all the way non stop. anyway the hotel has a free pc so I had to check in.

Greg and I have bickered the whole drive just about. I have grazed and eaten and eaten the whole drive. Gonna be hell and back for me instead of the deliteful scenic trip I imagined!

 got to work and it was horrible!!! We were closed for days because the tropical storm that was almost a hurricane hit Jacksonville, Fl last week Thurs and Fri a nd we have continued to have heavy rain every day. SO I walk in and the smell! gagging! The back room carpet was still soaked from rain that got up past the door. and being closed up was very bad. top it off the air conditioning was out. insult to injury!!!!!

I called the owner and she said she was aware she had dropped in Sat but nobody was willing to come out. I had to sit there all day in the stench and heat! Noone showed to repair the air or work on the stinky carpet before I left. I dread tomorrow.

sorry not uplifting today!!

Dont know what I did too much of this weekend but today I am suffering fromsore butt cheeks! Go ahead! laugh all you want!  every time I sat down today OUCH! went to the bathroom, got in the car, bent over, dadgum didnt realize my ass was involved in so much activity.

I realized today that I am a pansey exerciser. The gym I workout at maintains its temp at 68 degrees with fans blowing everywhere. and I go swimming almost daily at a indoor pool. SO, I thought I would be ok walking 3 miles up the road to the flea market.  Leashed up the dog grabbed a coffee to go and enjoyed the morning birds singing. Ummmm such a delicious morning after all the rain cleaned the air. God is so good. I virtually skip.

I walked around the flea market and bought a small canvas picture of brite flowers. Know just the spot that it will liven up in the house. A little sweaty but feels good.

OK SHIT!! HOlD the picture and the dog to cross the interecstion. My coffee spilled on my arm. My jeans are soaked from sweating and sticking to me feeling like I have put on lead pants.  The sun had created a spotlight just for me. A vicious dog is snarling at me from behind a very short fence causing me anxiety and my little min dauchound is acting like he can be a pit bull. 

 WAS I JUST PRAISING GOD??? Oh yes the sweet life is great woman. see how quickly I forget the sunshine and great smells of the morning? WAIT!! there is a positive side! #1 God does still love me although I obviously need a lot A LOT of work. and #2 hey I worked up a great sweat and walked over 6 miles some of which lugging a dog and a pic. that should have melted at least 20lbs lol well at the very least a few calories.

 enjoy the last of the weekend my friends.

I was online in a adult chat room that I frequent. Usually it boosts my ego someone telling me that they think I am hot and trying to convince me to private chat with them.  Then this guy came on and told me I was a cow! He actually moo’d me!!!! I came back with that I am aware that I am a plus sized woman and that I am not everyones type. But skinny women arent everyones type either. So, whats the point of being nasty? and he came back with you have a pretty face (never heard that before lol) and if I lost 50lbs I would be hot and worthy to talk to.

Damnit!!! I went from feelings hurt by this ass to smilin from ear to ear. 50lbs!! The  guy who likes slender women thinks I only need to lose 50lbs!!! Does that mean I carry all this extra weight well that I dont look like I am 300lbs???  Hey when you are a fat chick you take your compliments any way they come lol.

and I am bored outta my mind! my job closed today. Been sitting here lookin at my boyfriend all day and looking at him is driving me nuts. All I wanna do is SMOKE since I havnt had a cigg since Monday and eat like crazy. I just handed off the bucket of frozen cool whip that I have been dipping  a spoon into.  I know I should at least jog in place, do crunches, a exercise video, SOMETHING besides be on the puter, read, and watch tv. but hey if the power goes out cause lookin out my window is kindof scary seeing the trees bend I will sweat off a few pounds without airconditioning.

did I breathe while I typed lol

Here I go again - sighing with relief that I am not the fattest chick in the room this go around. Am I the only one that does that?? I go to a social setting and my heart rate is up and I am nervous but then WHEW! theres a fat chick thats bigger than me whoo hoo! Am I going to hell for being glad?

 I went to Typhoon Lagoon waterpark in Orlando and was sooooo freaking out the whole time was I going to be laughed at pointed at and generally humiliated for being in a bathing suit in public. SO, I looked and hunted for the perfect spot to hide my obese body (in a fat appropriate swim suit I must add). I had to walk all over the damn park and then i spotted them- the big guy in a speedo (yuck) and the big gal in a bikinni. Hey more power to them if they felt great and I was able to set up close to them thinking everyone will be staring at them and not even notice me. Again- am  I going to hell?

todays meditation for compulisve overeaters again smacks me in the forehead.  Learning to say “thank you” and then shutting up. not thank you but…. or this old thing…. or anything that demeans the compliment.  When you do that, you are insulting the person giving you the compliment!

Geez!!!! that is me all over. ONe of my number one problems.  When I go on a date and the guy says you are beautiful I say thank you but… and proceed to point out everything wrong with me. Damn! Robin you are sooooo stupid. Didnt realize that I needed to learn to simply let things just be and accept  a compliment. HOw I need to be like the song “LET IT BE” (is it going to be stuck in your head now lol)

Was reading my For Today a daily book of meditation for compulsive overeaters. Today was about forgiveness. If I can forgive friends who make mistakes why do I think I have the right to hold myself to higher standards so that I dont deserve forgiveness?

hummmm did a lot of thinking on that one. I am my own worst enemy. If someone treated me like I treat myself I would kick their ass! Geez is it really that simple?? why of course!

so today, I forgive myself. whew

I went out last nite to my first ever adult costume party. It was a rockin 80’s theme! I was excited because well I work part time in a costume shop. Always the bridesmaid and never the bride lol I was jealous because I outfitted people for their parties to never go to any myself. So, I outftted my boyfriend in a outrageous Areosmith type costume OMG! I laughed til I almost peed myself. (and so did everyone else) I loved that he got into the part. I on the other hand agnozied about how to dress. In the 80’s I was about 150lbs and didnt know it then, of course, but I was HOT!  What I visualized myself and what I saw in the mirror was not what I wanted to see.  I made up my mind to have fun anyway and go with it so I dressed as my boyfriends rocker groupie complete with pink spiked hair and leather pants (fake hehe) a big pink shirt and lots of makeup. God, we wore too much makeup then I felt like a clown.

When it got dark people started getting in the pool. Skinny dipping. I being the fattest chick there was in my bathing suit feeling out of my element. Wanting to be that brave person that wasnt scared of peoples reaction to my body. Not that everyone there had great bodies, trust me. But I weigh 300lbs and had at the minimum of 50 lbs on everyone else. That and having lost 135lbs already makes for a flabby fat. No way was I going to humiliate myself.  I got out of the pool feeling lousy about myself. Feeling that no matter how much weight I lose I will still look like a english muffin naked (the horror all the nooks and crannys!)

I tried real hard to stick to my food plan. I ate before the party sticking to my low carb plan. When I saw the meat and cheese tray I thought “I can do this there is something I can nibble on.” THen later I snuck a cracker with dip. and another as I walked by. Oh and I had to taste the mango dip with tortillia chips just a few. Popped a few breaded boneless wings in my mouth (few meaning a dozen) I was officially grazing. Well F it lemme have one of those cookies! Four cookies later I was on a sugar high and a mental low.  A slice of pizza, some bananna pudding, and some cheese ball and crackers later I was officially compulisvely overeating.

On the drive home I beat myself up the whole way for not sticking to plan. And actually silly as it sounds I congratulated myself.  I thought of the food I ate. Then I thought of the food I didnt eat. I could have EASILY eaten more and more. I stopped myself when I started looking at more pizza and the cheesecake and the cupcakes. At first it was because I was afraid people would notice if I started pigging but I know that never stopped me before. I did a cease fire on the shoveling of food because I knew that the only reason I was doing it was because I felt like the ugliest and fattest person in the room. I was feeling like the invisible woman again. I realized that the food was just going to cover up albeit temporary the feeling of being unworthy of belonging and being included. Tempory being the key word and that it wouldnt fix me.

This morning I am happy actually. I was able to stop my destructive behavior. HIt my reset button. Begin again. Breathe in take a deep inhale. Feels like freedom.